essentially a diary

So I have a friend that I used to be SUPER DUPER DUPER close too but then she all the sudden got really wrapped up in looks and always having a boyfriend and just little things that really do not fucking matter in the big picture and it physically exhausts me to be around her but I still really care about her a lot and stuff but she just tweeted “Remember when we were best friends? Yeah, that was nice” and I am pretty sure that was directed at me and now I feel really really bad ummmm help

It makes me really sad when my friends worry about me, like I think it sort of brings me back to earth a little bit just to kind of realize that some of the choices I have made aren’t necessarily the best?

For example, today I was at a Christmas party with a group of friends from high school and none of them were ever my super close friends except for Nigel. Nigel and I were really really close at the beginning of high school and then we kind of stopped being close but yeah that’s not important

Basically a small sub group of us (Nigel included) were sharing stories and playing 10 fingers and some of my recent experiences with drugs and sex and alcohol were brought up and everyone was pretty much just really entertained like “WOW Lauren you’re having such a great time at college I’m kind jealous!!” sort of thing but then when I was leaving Nigel got up to hug me and he squeezed me really tight and whispered “Please don’t get too messed up” and it kind of made me cry. Like I guess I don’t really think about the things I do from the right perspective because most of my close friends at school are doing the exact same things and just having someone like Nigel say something so real to me is a little bit of a slap in the face. I mean, Louie has talked to me about it some but he is one of my best best friends so that is sort of his job I guess, and same with Olivia. But having Nigel say something like that kind of blew me away. And I guess more than putting my actions into light it kind of put my reasons into light? Because I dunno I mean I guess I just haven’t been the happiest lately and I have been turning to drugs and alcohol a lot to fix that and that’s kind of scary and I really appreciate Nigel’s small gesture even though it probably won’t change anything because I’mm not really willing to change right now but yeah, it made me think.

well, I haven’t posted here in a while but GEE WHIZ FUCK I am going through a funk

I just, don’t really understand life? I guess that’s it! I don’t understand anything! 

Basically people always say “Do what makes you happy!” blah blah blah! But I’m pretty sure if all I ever do with my life is music I will end up a drug addicted spinster living alone in a shack with five different personality disorders

And that just really sucks! Because I want to be good at music, I really fucking do. And I am good at music, but I will never be THAT good. I will never be able to work hard enough to be THAT good. Because lets face it, I started music in 5th grade in the public school system, I never took private lessons till my senior year of highschool, and I never practiced until my freshman year of college. So, basically I’m fucked!

But the thought of doing anything else with my life makes me want to puke. I can’t even begin to imagine a job outside of music. I just want to be an amazing French horn player and I never will be.

And aside from those shenanigans, I just really want to be a mom someday. I want to be happily married with two or three healthy kids. But what if I never get married? What if no guy ever shows interest in me ever again? Movies and books are such bullshit because the main character always gets whatever the fuck she wants well guess what! I’m the main character of my life and I’m NOT FUCKING HAPPY

And god dammit I hate it when I think about this but what the fuck is the point of me even being alive? So I can be a mediocre French horn player? So that I can be single and lonely and depressed? So that I can sit around constantly wondering what the fuck my life would have been like with my mom? Or wow fuck what if my dad had given a shit about me?

I just want more than anything to cry in someones arms and not have them say bullshit stuff like “You’re amazing and beautiful and blah blah FUCKING BLAH” I just want them to acknowledge how much all this fucking sucks! I want them to say, “You’re right, your life wasn’t fair, and your childhood did suck, and your future is if-y, but right now you are allowed to just cry your fucking eyes out” Because I’m sick of people having faith in me, and encouraging me. I don’t deserve it. I’m not strong at all. I think about killing myself all the fucking time and the only reason I haven’t is because I’m too scared and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. But I just wish that for once in my life everyone would stop putting so much fucking pressure on me to be great and do good things so that I can just take a step back and break the fuck down 

wow fuck I really hate how I feel right now

Spoiler alert, Louie, don’t take any of this personally because I totes understand and I am not mad at you at all I am just sad that I didn’t see you.

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So I realized tonight that the weirdest feeling in the world is trying to remember what it felt like to be in love with Kenny

Like, all my memories of the relationship (pre dark-ages) are really good and all but they feel wrong, like they aren’t actually my memories. And on top of that I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to feel the way I did then, again. And now I just have this really strange feeling of nostalgia and deja vu and sadness? 

But then I think about current Kenny and it makes me sick to my stomach so yeah

I feel the need to elaborate a bit more so here we go

One of the best examples of this I can think of is when I look at old pictures of us. It’s funny because I’ve noticed that all the pictures of us are from when we were still happy together, there really aren’t any pictures of us from after we started having problems. So I’ll look at these pictures and all these great memories will come flooding back. Like I remember the very very first day I went to his house after we started dating and how excited and nervous it was and how I felt like I was on top of the world. I remember how my street looked and how his street looked and everything. I can remember all the football games I went to and what it felt like to run out on the field after the game and kiss him and then what it was like to sit in the back seat of his mom’s car and hold hands with him after the away games. I remember how nervous I got whenever I talked to him before we started dating, I remember every single detail about the day he asked me out and I remember our very first long phone conversation. I remember and fondly miss our drives in the country listening to classical music with no destination in mind. But it’s funny, because in none of these memories does it seem like I actually took part in them. When I look at these memories I feel like I am watching some sappy romantic movie about young love. However, as soon as I remove myself from the pictures and start to think about the bad memories it begins to feel all too real. It’s like the person that was in love with Kenny and the person that broke up with him are two completely different people. Because all the bad stuff makes sense to me, I can understand it and I can remember it clearly, but the good stuff makes no sense. The good stuff is just a whirlwind of silliness. It’s almost like it was an out-of-body experience and it all went to shit when real-Lauren came back. And real Lauren is definitely back to stay because, while I can understand the original appeal, looking at him now I would never date him. He makes me sick to my stomach. It’s just really bizarre to think that I can have such a range of emotions regarding the same person and that such a drastic change took place with no warning in our relationship.

Wow, I just don’t even know what to feel. All I know is that I never want to feel that way about someone again if it is just going to end like that. It may be bad, but I am super afraid of getting too attached to a guy because I cannot imagine going through that again. If I am going to feel strongly about someone again I want it to last for the rest of my life because I honestly don’t know if I can handle anymore of these weird persona disjoints

So I am having a really hard time making friends in college and it’s been really upsetting me lately. I mean I have friends from marching band, but they are all older than me and already have friends their own age and jobs and none of them live on campus so it’s really not convenient to hang out with them. And aside from that I have Olivia, and I love her a lot but she spends all of her time with two guys that don’t particularly like me so yeah. But I am just really frustrated, I see all these groups of people walking around together and eating together and just generally having a great time together and I have no one. All I want is for someone to talk to and hug and eat with. Somedays I go all day without saying a single word to anyone and I fucking hate it so much. And now it’s just all really overwhelming me and I can’t stop crying and I hate it and I hate myself and I hate being unapproachable but I am too scared to approach anyone and I hate it so much and it’s ruining college for me. I mean I love it up here, I love the town, I love the music program, I love my professors, but I have no one to share it with and what’s the point of anything if you don’t have anyone to share it with?

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There is a guy in my Piano class AND in Symphony and he is perfectly my type and he plays upright bass and I don’t know his name but I will find it out and he will love me because he is perfect and I will die otherwise

*spews passion everywhere*

No but really, I have never been one to believe in like love at first sight or anything but I cannot stop thinking about this guy. I noticed him the first day of my piano class and I always hope he’ll sit by me and now he’s in symphony. Honestly it feels like the universe is shoving him at me and saying “Hey Lauren, this is exactly the guy you have been pining after all these years, go get him!” I am getting butterflies thinking about him. And seriously, even though love at first sight is bullshit, I have never felt this strong of an instant physical attraction towards someone without even talking to them. Like, I have been pretty aware of my specific type before this. I always see guys that are my type, but have a few things about them that I don’t really dig. However, there is nothing about his appearance or the few basic things I know about him (music major, bass player) that I dislike as of yet.

I swear to God he better fucking be single or I might die.

I love how I can fall for a guy in one day and be his first kiss and then the next day be “just friends” and then still be completely smitten with him almost a week later.

Fuck

So, I finally got a little homesick and I’m not even homesick, I’m Sebastopol sick. Ugh it is just so stupid, I am in this amazing place and all I can think of is having heart to hearts with Kathy at breakfast and building forts with Dawson and that is all I want right now.