So I realized tonight that the weirdest feeling in the world is trying to remember what it felt like to be in love with Kenny
Like, all my memories of the relationship (pre dark-ages) are really good and all but they feel wrong, like they aren’t actually my memories. And on top of that I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to feel the way I did then, again. And now I just have this really strange feeling of nostalgia and deja vu and sadness?
But then I think about current Kenny and it makes me sick to my stomach so yeah
I feel the need to elaborate a bit more so here we go
One of the best examples of this I can think of is when I look at old pictures of us. It’s funny because I’ve noticed that all the pictures of us are from when we were still happy together, there really aren’t any pictures of us from after we started having problems. So I’ll look at these pictures and all these great memories will come flooding back. Like I remember the very very first day I went to his house after we started dating and how excited and nervous it was and how I felt like I was on top of the world. I remember how my street looked and how his street looked and everything. I can remember all the football games I went to and what it felt like to run out on the field after the game and kiss him and then what it was like to sit in the back seat of his mom’s car and hold hands with him after the away games. I remember how nervous I got whenever I talked to him before we started dating, I remember every single detail about the day he asked me out and I remember our very first long phone conversation. I remember and fondly miss our drives in the country listening to classical music with no destination in mind. But it’s funny, because in none of these memories does it seem like I actually took part in them. When I look at these memories I feel like I am watching some sappy romantic movie about young love. However, as soon as I remove myself from the pictures and start to think about the bad memories it begins to feel all too real. It’s like the person that was in love with Kenny and the person that broke up with him are two completely different people. Because all the bad stuff makes sense to me, I can understand it and I can remember it clearly, but the good stuff makes no sense. The good stuff is just a whirlwind of silliness. It’s almost like it was an out-of-body experience and it all went to shit when real-Lauren came back. And real Lauren is definitely back to stay because, while I can understand the original appeal, looking at him now I would never date him. He makes me sick to my stomach. It’s just really bizarre to think that I can have such a range of emotions regarding the same person and that such a drastic change took place with no warning in our relationship.
Wow, I just don’t even know what to feel. All I know is that I never want to feel that way about someone again if it is just going to end like that. It may be bad, but I am super afraid of getting too attached to a guy because I cannot imagine going through that again. If I am going to feel strongly about someone again I want it to last for the rest of my life because I honestly don’t know if I can handle anymore of these weird persona disjoints
