well, I haven’t posted here in a while but GEE WHIZ FUCK I am going through a funk
I just, don’t really understand life? I guess that’s it! I don’t understand anything!
Basically people always say “Do what makes you happy!” blah blah blah! But I’m pretty sure if all I ever do with my life is music I will end up a drug addicted spinster living alone in a shack with five different personality disorders
And that just really sucks! Because I want to be good at music, I really fucking do. And I am good at music, but I will never be THAT good. I will never be able to work hard enough to be THAT good. Because lets face it, I started music in 5th grade in the public school system, I never took private lessons till my senior year of highschool, and I never practiced until my freshman year of college. So, basically I’m fucked!
But the thought of doing anything else with my life makes me want to puke. I can’t even begin to imagine a job outside of music. I just want to be an amazing French horn player and I never will be.
And aside from those shenanigans, I just really want to be a mom someday. I want to be happily married with two or three healthy kids. But what if I never get married? What if no guy ever shows interest in me ever again? Movies and books are such bullshit because the main character always gets whatever the fuck she wants well guess what! I’m the main character of my life and I’m NOT FUCKING HAPPY
And god dammit I hate it when I think about this but what the fuck is the point of me even being alive? So I can be a mediocre French horn player? So that I can be single and lonely and depressed? So that I can sit around constantly wondering what the fuck my life would have been like with my mom? Or wow fuck what if my dad had given a shit about me?
I just want more than anything to cry in someones arms and not have them say bullshit stuff like “You’re amazing and beautiful and blah blah FUCKING BLAH” I just want them to acknowledge how much all this fucking sucks! I want them to say, “You’re right, your life wasn’t fair, and your childhood did suck, and your future is if-y, but right now you are allowed to just cry your fucking eyes out” Because I’m sick of people having faith in me, and encouraging me. I don’t deserve it. I’m not strong at all. I think about killing myself all the fucking time and the only reason I haven’t is because I’m too scared and I don’t want to disappoint anyone. But I just wish that for once in my life everyone would stop putting so much fucking pressure on me to be great and do good things so that I can just take a step back and break the fuck down
